How We Talk About Disability
By Anitra Rowe Schulte, Parent Programming Coordinator
As parents, we know that language matters. Our children absorb everything that we say and how we say it. Our words shape what they think of themselves and others, and how they view the world.
But what if we are using words that cause harm, and we don’t even know it? This is often the case when we talk about disability.
Sometimes, due to discomfort and limited experience with disability, we diminish that disability is an important part of many people’s identity - not something to be avoided or portrayed with pity.
Sometimes, when talking about parenting a disabled child, we use language that inadvertently portrays our children as burdens or reflects low expectations of what they can do and who they will grow to be.
All of this matters. A lot.
So how can we make sure that our words acknowledge and celebrate disability as human diversity?
I spoke with disabled friends and colleagues, and parents of children with disabilities, about commonly used phrases and statements that cause harm and take us away from our goal of a more inclusive and equitable society. Let’s take a close look at the ways that we talk about disability and the messages that these statements convey:
“I don’t even think of my child as disabled. They’re just a kid to me!”
“My neighbor is just Lily! I don’t think of her as having a disability.”
The Message: My child’s disability, or my neighbor’s disability, isn’t an important part of who they are. It isn’t something to celebrate or be proud of. Focus on other things about them.
The Problem: Disability is a part of their identity. If we don’t acknowledge a person’s disability, then we aren’t fully seeing or accepting them. Ignoring disability suggests that disability identity is bad. When we’re hush-hush about it, it can engender a sense of shame in our children about a part of who they are.
“My 10-year-old son, who has the language of a toddler, said ‘I love you’ today!”
“My nephew Liam is developmentally like a 18-month-old.”
The Message: My child, or my family member, is similar to a typical infant or toddler. You can more-or-less treat them as you would a child of that age.
The Problem: Age equivalents for skills are a harmful and dehumanizing framing of personhood. They do not reflect the fullness of a person’s human experience. Each year lived is a year of knowledge and life gained, for all people. Referring to a disabled child or teen as an infant, and talking to an adult like a baby, is undignified and demeaning.
“My child inspires me every day.”
“The fact that she gets up every morning and goes to work is such an inspiration.”
The Message: This statement conveys disability as a tragedy that inherently makes life worse or harder, instead of natural human diversity that makes life different and interesting. When simply living is portrayed as an accomplishment, a disabled person becomes the focal point of inspiration simply because of their impairment.
The Problem: This message of otherness doesn’t acknowledge a child or person’s individuality, hopes, dreams and strengths. It sets low expectations and devalues the contributions that disabled people make in their communities and in the world. It says, “I would never want to trade places with you. The fact that you simply live your life is an accomplishment.”
“It doesn’t matter to me if my child learns her ABCs, she should still be included.”
“I’m so glad that Jimmy is in my son’s class. Just being around him will make my son a better person.”
The Message: My child’s presence, or the presence of a disabled child, is enough. It’s too ambitious to think that the disabled child will learn in school. The value of their place in the room is to expose other children to disability.
The Problem: This perpetuates the notion that the point of inclusive education isn’t so that disabled children can learn and achieve their own goals, it’s so they can be around other kids, for social reasons, and so that nondisabled children become comfortable around them. The reality is that all students should be given the opportunity to learn with the appropriate services and supports provided. And all children should have an opportunity to get to know, learn from, challenge, and enjoy one another.
“My child is an angel.”
“Jamie always has a smile on her face. She’s so innocent.”
The Message: My child, or a disabled child, exists in a separate category, which exists outside of typical childhood and humanity. Their lives are simple. They don’t have complex feelings and emotions.
The Problem: Angel representation doesn’t acknowledge a child as a full human being, who makes mistakes, experiences a full array of emotions, or has the opportunity to communicate their needs. It portrays a child as “other,” creating and maintaining distance between their life and the life of nondisabled people. It reduces their experience and belittles their capacity.
In every instance, the words and phrases above “other” disabled people. These harmful, inaccurate portrayals create and maintain a distance that makes inclusion seem insurmountable - when in reality, truly knowing, understanding, and supporting one another as people will enrich all of our lives and bring us closer to our goal of making the world a better place for everyone.
When we think of things we’ve said that may have caused hurt, perhaps to people we care about and love, it’s natural to feel shame or embarrassment or even indignation. But when our children encounter such growing pains, what do we say? We remind them that it’s simply part of growing up. The scary part about being a parent is that we’re still learning, too. The exciting part is that we can learn about disability with our kids and with each other.
And there’s a great place to start.
The Nora Project offers Disability 101 - a webinar and conversation about disability history and disability awareness, where you’ll learn about disability as diversity and how to be an advocate for inclusion and positive social change. Led by Head of Product Strategy Jordyn Zimmerman, Disability 101 informs and educates, giving participants an accurate picture of disability and the confidence to talk about it.
Looking for additional resources, as you engage in conversations around disability? Visit our Parents Resources Library today.
Never miss a post! Subscribe to the Nora Notes blog and get the latest delivered straight to your inbox weekly.