Consent and Asking Respectful Questions
Like many, many things at The Nora Project, as we’ve listened to the voices of disabled folx over the last several years, our perspective on nondisabled students freely asking disability-related questions to their disabled peers, even if respectfully and with the intent to forge connections, has shifted over time. This evolution reached a boiling point after we shared the book “Just Ask” by Justice Sonia Sotomayor, herself disabled, on our blog as a resource for parents of curious kids. We quickly learned that many within the disability community have concerns about the book’s message, because, in summary, it implies that it is the job of disabled people to be open to probing questions at any time in order to satisfy the curiosities of others. This, of course, is not a reasonable expectation of anyone. Before sharing the five rules we’ve developed for our students to follow when deciding if and how to ask questions, consider these perspectives from disabled activists and influencers.
Emily Ladau - Words I Wheel By
“That wheelchair is purple!,” I overheard a boy, maybe 5 years old, announce to his mom. “You’re right!,” she replied.
I wish I had more context for the boy’s enthusiasm or his mom’s matter-of-fact response. Maybe he likes observing colors. Maybe they know a wheelchair user. Who knows? But it got me thinking…
There’s been lots of conversation on social media lately about how to talk to kids about disability. I’ve noticed patterns of uncertainty and discomfort in comment threads. And I get it. We’re surrounded by the message that differences should make us uncomfortable and we’re supposed to sweep them under the rug. It’s an active process to push against that mindset.
How do we do that? Both by sitting with the discomfort and by learning to get comfortable talking about it. You might be thinking, “the kid said your wheelchair is purple, but what if he’d said something rude or hurtful? Then it’s not so easy to be straightforward.”
I know it can feel overwhelming if your child asks a question about disability or a disabled person, especially if that person is present. It’s common to shush or scold kids, but this generally serves to make disability even more taboo. It’s okay for kids to be curious; asking questions is how they learn.
If the wording of your kid’s question is rude (e.g. “What’s wrong with her?”), it helps to say something like, “I understand you’re curious and that’s okay, but it’s important to be polite.” Then, if you don’t know the exact answer to the question, you might say, “It appears that person has a disability. That doesn’t mean anything is wrong with them. It’s just part of who they are.”
Remember that disabled people don’t owe an explanation, but if they happen to respond by offering one, roll with it and check in with your child about it later.
Most importantly, know that it’s okay to not have exactly the “right” answers about disability. Sometimes the best answer you can give to your child is: “let’s learn about it together.”
James Catchpole from @thecatchpoles shared his perspective on Instagram recently. (Click image to be taken to Instagram for full post)
Lucy & James are outside - Lucy's sitting in her wheelchair and James has a prosthetic leg strapped on over his clothes. We look suspiciously young - the photo is a couple of years old. You can just about see that Lucy is pregnant. A 3 year old Mainie stands between us looking sun-kissed and happy. We're white with brown hair, Mainie's looks blonde. It reads: What should you do if your child yells at a disabled person? (You probably already know the answer...)
With all this in mind, we’ve boiled our guidance down to five pointers:
Just because you're curious or ask nicely doesn't mean you're entitled to an answer.
You should do your best to learn about disability on your own from publicly available trustworthy resources--preferably resources created by or with input from disabled individuals. Ask trusted adults for answers or support finding them when you need it. This way we avoid putting an undue burden on people with disabilities to educate us. (For our students, we remind them that this is what's so cool about being involved in The Nora Project - they get a chance to learn about disability in a safe way with trusted resources!)
Before you ask a question, think about whether it's really your business. Remember that if people want you to know something about their disability they'll probably tell you.
If you know someone well (like a friend or relative) and you want to ask them a question about their disability or equipment, frame your question so it's ok for them to decide not to answer. For example, begin by asking, "Is it ok if I ask you about..." or “Are you comfortable sharing about…” Accept the answer “no” without question or disappointment.
If you do ask a question, think carefully about your words and what they communicate or might imply. Listen for judgement in your question. Asking someone “What’s wrong with you?” is hurtful, and implies that there is a standard that everyone should measure up to. Do not ask what is wrong with someone or imply any part of them is bad. Do your best to consider what you really want to know and why, and formulate your question accordingly.
In the end, what we hope you walk away with is that while curiosity is natural, we all have to do our best to find answers without putting others on the spot and making them responsible for our lack of knowledge. Now, more than any other time in history, we have the ability to educate ourselves about disability through books, tv shows, movies, and social media with the click of a button. There’s no reason not to ask questions respectfully and without judgement, but remember first to do the work to learn on your own when you can, and to always allow those you’re asking to decline to answer.